Everything and Nothing

There is no way to really describe what it's like to lose a child. Not really describe it in any way that would really make you understand. I could use metaphors and words like agony, hollowness and guilt, but they would just hang in the air, dettached and without any meaning to you. But you could never truly understand it unless, perhaps, you've been there too. Felt that heavy, comforting flutter; the feeling that you're not alone. The terrified excitment and the odd sense of peace you get while at the same time not knowing what to do. The feeling that gives you meaning in a way nothing else can. Like a tiny little light in the darkness, like having finding something you never knew you were missing, but don't know how you could ever be without it. Until you are.

It's guilt, and it's nightmares. It's being lonelier than you thought you could ever be, even when you're surrounded by people. It's not understanding how the world could continue to turn, how the sun could keep rising. Like the whole world should just fall apart and cease to exist because yours has. And it hurts.

I wanted proof of God, proof that there was a point to all the misery and pain and hard work that gets you nowhere. Maybe losing you was supposed to be proof of something, proof that there was something better out there, I just had to work for it. You were my wake-up call, a slap in the face to tell me I was going the wrong way. You were a reason to stop being so self-destructive, so self-absorbed and self-pitying. Or maybe not. Maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

You need to know that I sung to you. I loved you more than I can ever begin to describe. I told you stories and made you promises and loved you secretely. And I felt so bad for that. I should have told the world about you, because you'll never be able to. I wish I could've known you and held you, watched you laugh and cry and seen your beautiful face. I know you would have been so beautiful.

The nightmares and the agony are all I really have left of you. The emptiness I feel, like something's missing. There will never be anything like you ever again, and everytime I see a child, I cry for you. You should've been everything, and now you're nothing.

- Veridiana